Home > Blogophilia > Mesmerized v43.3

Mesmerized v43.3

Metallica Drummer Sticks Out His Neck

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In a shocking television interview with the BBC, Lars Ulrich, voted the best musician of the year in Denmark 2009, revealed his original research in the field of  alcohol absorption. According to the feisty Metallic drummer, there are over 400 documented cases of brewery vat alcohol absorption cases in his hometown of Hillerod alone.

The most famous historical event involved Franz Anton Mesmer, author of the book Mémoire sur la découverte du magnétisme animal, who reportedly received treatment for dangerous levels of alcohol absorption at the Hillerod Hospital in Hillerod, Denmark, after falling in a brewery vat an nearby Frederiksborg Castle.

The folk treatment at the time was to tie down the intoxicated person to an iron table, and then allowed hypnotized chickens with magnets strapped to their feet to run up and down the body. The hospital at Hillerod still uses the sturdy iron tables, but the lack of chicken hypnotizing education, and better brewery vat design has made the treatment protocol a lost art. Mesmer always claimed the Danish treatment saved his life, and inspired his later research.

The BBC program called Utterly Lame Danish Myths, which aired on the 12th  day of Christmas, cited the researchers led by Dr. Peter Lommer Kristensen, published in the  journal BMJ (formerly the British Medical Journal), which debunked the Danish myth of alcohol absorption from falling into a brewery vat. Lars Ulrich believes Dr. Kristensen still has financial interests in his wife’s salvage business and is simply attempting to steer the hospital to get rid of the iron bed monstrosities.

Lars candidly revealed to the interviewer that at  last year’s Polé Polé Ghent he was the victim of alcohol absorption after falling into a brewery vat. The cancellation of Metallica was blamed on a wild, autographed frisbee throw to Lars’ head from the Wackies’ bass player, choreographer and lighting designer, Tyler Myrth.  Actually the frisbee toss was a near miss and Lars said he was lucky to be resuscitated from alcohol absorption by being placed on an iron manhole cover and treated with hypnotized chickens with magnets by the Wackies’ manager.

Ghent police said they had no reports of a brewery vat incident, and that Lars’ hotel room was trashed with many empty vodka bottles. When this reporter confronted Lars on this information, he just pointed at all the empty vodka bottles scattered all around the Christmas tree. “Vodka doesn’t absorb to the skin, different alcohol has different tastes, and different effects. I’ve never needed treatment for vodka related incidents. Home brewers don’t necessarily contact the police with every brewery vat incident.”

In related news…

The Wackies’ drummer, Miss Mojito, was set to appear in Switzerland to answer to a complaint generated by Teuscher chocolates. They claim her contract rider specifying Cote d’or Chocolates stores is in violation of European Union open market regulations. An out-of-court settlement involving Teuscher truffles is said to be in negotiation by the Wackies’ manager David. He is quoted as saying, “Switzerland isn’t even part of the European Union. This is just a case of attempted intimidation in the highly competitive world of Swiss vs. Belgian chocolates. Missy is just a pawn in a bigger game. And don’t forget… the Wackies are teaming up with Metallica, Cote d’or Chocolates and an all-star cast of 12 drummers drumming for a special Christmas concert at Planckendael Zoo’s baby giraffe exhibit. All the proceeds are going to the study of animal magnetism and the preservation alcohol absorption treatment facilities. It will be a mesmerizing show!”

Original research for this article was prepared by Tyler Myrth at European Holiday News. Any errors or factual mistakes that were the result of this research, well… don’t blame me.

Blogophilia 43.3 Topic: “All Around The Christmas Tree”

Bonus points:

(Hard, 2pts): interweave a historical event

(Easy, 1pt): include one of the lines mentioned in the Twelve Days of


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Categories: Blogophilia
  1. liam
    December 21, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Now see that is news!

  2. December 21, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    And these chickens – do they lay eggs ?
    I am speechless at the huge amount of research you did for this article

  3. Marvin Martian
    December 21, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Oh, my! Oh, my! A little more information than I wanted to know!! 😀
    *soaking feet in washtub of vodka*
    I must say though, I would LOVE to have some chocolates right about now!!
    8 points, Earthling!! 🙂

  4. December 21, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Love the chicken video Sue!

    My hubby asked how do you hypnotize a chicken, so I showed him the video. LOL

    David I love this you did a great job of taking Tylers piece and expanding upon it. Now my hubby wants to see if he can hypnotize his chicken. LOL : D

    • December 21, 2010 at 8:59 pm

      Peggy – well he can start with a chicken – but don’t try an ostrich – see above – enjoy the chocolates !

  5. December 21, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    OMG David…. this is journalism at its best! You covered all the bases here, seems like there may be a conspiracy theory coming into play over there in Denmark. LOL at the chicken hypnosis video…

    😀

  6. Tyler
    December 21, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    I for one think that all this research with vodka is misguided – the real question is can tequila be absorbed directly into the body. (talk about time saving) If it can why does anyone ever eat the worm??

    • December 21, 2010 at 9:00 pm

  7. December 21, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Tyler – they don’t eat the worm as the added protein would take away from the absorption rate of the alcohol

  8. DJ Myke
    December 22, 2010 at 12:45 am

    I know from personal experience that vodka has no taste. That is why it can sometimes sneak up on you. Sort of like… hypnotizes you.

    I tell you, hypnotizing chickens is not for amateurs. That is serious business. Oh, sure, anyone can follow an instructional video as to how to hypnotize a chicken, but bringing one out of a trance is another story. That calls for a Chicken Shaman. (Did I spell that right? C-H-I-C-K-E-N

    12 Drummers drumming? I envision a dozen wagons carrying medicine shows, with drummers selling home remedy in a bottle… the kind that’ll cure what ails you.

  9. December 22, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    First off…I feel like I’m trapped in an elevator listening to Muzak with that Metallica song. :O

    I believe Lars! Certainly there is vat alcohol absorption and the best cure does involve hypnotized chickens with magnets on their feet. 😀

  10. Another Government Employe
    December 23, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Hmmmm…

    Chicken flavored vodka is the best.

  11. Irene Melgoza
    December 23, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Great blog, David! : ) I love how you give them a journal-type feel.

  12. December 24, 2010 at 12:15 am

    Wow! I learned stuff David! LOL

    And I loved the giraffe video!!! WHat a cutie!!!

    Merry Christmas to you!!! Here’s hoping you don’t need to be hypnotized by chickens! LOL

    Lisa 🙂

  13. joaniethewriter
    December 27, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    No one would EVER blame you if the blog was not completely factual!lol You are a master of relating the facts, um at least as you know them…lol

    I know I might regret mentioning the baby giraffe, but he is adorable! One foot in front or aside of the other and he caught on quickly!

    Hope you enjoyed your holiday!

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